Rufus Stiltman
by Garrett Williams
Summary: A parody of that wonderful fairy tale that I don't dare spell. Rumplestiltskin? Hey, I might be right.


Rufus Stiltman

**First, Dot's Poetry Corner:  
**Hickory Dickory Dot,   
Wakko ate a clock.   
The clock struck nine   
Just in time   
For people to start to gawk. 

The people thought it was funny.   
They started to throw him money!   
Yakko and Dotty   
Started to party   
But all Wakko could say is "I gotta go potty"

(One person who read this said, "Gives new meaning to 'passing time'")

**Rufus Stiltman** (a short story)

One day, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot were eating breakfast, when suddenly Wakko noticed the back of the ACME Woopie Sugar Clumps cereal box. He exclaimed, "Hey look! This box has a picture of Weed Memlo on it!" "Our first director? Let me see that", Yakko said, taking the box, "'Collect 10 box tops and get this wonderful statuette of Weed Memlo'. Whoa! Sibs, we're going shopping!"  
At the grocery store, they race around, causing havoc, when suddenly Wakko yells, "Woopie Sugar Clumps!!!". Yakko and Dot appear immediately and they start loading the shopping cart with the cereal. An excited Yakko says, "This is too EASY! Just collect 10 box tops and we'll have our own statuette of our beloved Weed Memlo! Oh, how I remember how he would scream at us every time we would... okay, all the time."  
Eavesdropping from the other side of the shelf was Rufus Stiltman. He was an evil fellow, 6' 4", with a mole on his nose. "I want that statuette, but oh, how I hate Woopie Sugar Clumps, so I'll just have to steal theirs." plotted Rufus.  
As he plotted, the Warners finished loading the shopping cart. Yakko wondered, "Is there something we forgot?" Dot answered, "Forgot milk?" followed by Yakko, "Riiiiight!". So they went to get milk. On the way, Wakko added, "Yah, breakfast just isn't breakfast without chocolate milk smothered all over your cereal".  
After they bought their groceries, they raced back to their watertower home. "I win!" yelled Yakko. Dot argued, "No, MY hand touched the railing first!" with Yakko concluding "Nope, I won, and you didn't. Hey, where's Wakko?" Dot sneered, "I thought he was right behind you, since **I** was so far ahead."  
Wakko suddenly rushed up the ladder to where Yakko and Dot were and panted "I think someone was following us!" Yakko assured, "Yah, Ralph always follows us around. That's his job. Was he wearing the tie we got him for National Love Your Fat Studio Guard Day?"  
Argued Wakko, "No, this was a guy with a mole on his nose!" Dot suggested, "Maybe he's trying a new style!" Then they went in their watertower and started watching TV.  
About 2 weeks later, Rufus starts climbing the ladder to the watertower. "They may feel great, awaiting their statuette of the great Weed Memlo, but I shall be the new owner of it after I demand it to be mine! I followed those kids here, you know, so I know exactly where to pick it up. Wa ha hahahahahaa!" He blinks. "Why am I talking to the camera? Why would I want the audience to know my plan... so they can stop me? Oh, I guess it's just what all evil characters do. Hmph."  
He gets to the door(more of a hatch, but oh well) and knocks. Yakko opens the door and yells "Hey, Wakko! I think this guy is selling Creepy Scout cookies! How many boxes do you want?" Rufus outrages, "I'm not selling cookies!!!" "Coulda fooled me" replied Yakko. Rufus explains, "I'm going to make a deal with you..." and the Warners set up a card table. Rufus continues, "*sigh*, listen here, I know you're going to get a statuette of Weed Memlo in the mail in a few days, and I'm going to steal it as soon as it gets here!" Dot asks, "Why are you telling us? Now we can stop you!" Rufus replies, "Hmm, I guess I just couldn't hold it in much longer, so I had to tell somebody."  
Yakko makes a deal. "Okkay, since I'm a fair man, if you consider a 12-year old a man, I'll give you a chance. If we can guess your name before the statuette gets here, we get the statuette. If we can't guess your name, YOU get the statuette. If you can guess Dot's pet's name, you get Wakko's pistachio-nut-fudge-floorwax-and-brussels-sprout-flavored ice cream!" Rufus agrees to the deal, except the ice cream part, and Yakko quickly says "Your name is Rumplestiltskin!"  
"Wrong! Ha ha!" laughs Rufus. Yakko says, "I could've sworn I heard you say that was your name!" Rufus asks, "Who would have a name like that? Guess again."  
Dot screams, "You're Mel Gibson! Say you'll never leave me! Say we'll never be apart!"  
"Wrong again, and get off me!"  
Wakko asks, "Regis, can I use a lifeline?"  
"Huh? No! Wrong answer!"  
The days go on and they keep guessing. "Macaredi?" "Bobunque?" "Runtenstein?" "Spam?"  
On the day the statuette would arrive, when Rufus was there, Yakko explains to his siblings, "Sibs, we'll have to choose a common name. Something that has a good chance of being the winning answer. Something that a lot of people have as names." Wakko yells, "George Foreman!" Yakko scolds, "No, Wakko. The name we shall choose is, (dramatic pause) Rufus Stiltman!"  
Rufus knew they chose right, but being the evil guy he is, he quickly lies, "No! That's not my name either!" The statuette arrives, Rufus takes it and runs with it. The Warners are heartbroken.  
As Rufus heads down the ladder, the Warners hear on the TV, "News Flash! There has been a major recall on Weed Memlo statuettes that you get from collecting 10 box tops from Woopie Sugar Clumps cereal! The statuettes tend to..." and the Warners hear a big explosion just outside the tower. Yakko remarks, "Well, I guess he got what he deserved!" and Wakko yells, "Faboo! Look at this! If we collect 13 box tops from Melodic Granola Melodies granola bars, we can get a live T-Rex!"


End file.
